See the is.

Ok, so good news first. I've lost 5 pounds so far. 5! At this moment I'm trying to celebrate that accomplishment rather than feeling frustrated that it isn't more. It's kind of funny, really. You watch shows (okay, I watch shows) like The Biggest Loser and see these people who've absolutely been SLAYING themselves in the gym, go to weigh in and find out that they've lost something like 8 pounds in a week. Then they shrug and go, "Eh - it's okay I guess." *polite clapping* To those people, I shake my fist at you. Fortunately, Jillian steps in to yell at them about celebrating their accomplishment rather than being discouraged/annoyed that it isn't more. By the time she's done, I feel like she's said my piece for me.

And here I am - doing the same thing. Granted, it's five pounds in about two weeks but dangit, it's five pounds less than I was two weeks ago! So why am I doing this to myself?

I've got a theory.

I was talking to a friend the other day who commented, "I tend to do a lot of negative self talk because I feel like if I accomplish something then it must've not really been that hard to begin with." To which I replied, "I know - it's like we'd rather be pleasantly surprised if something turns out well than disappointed if it doesn't." In another conversation at a different time, I was asked how I would define achieving balance in life. My answer was, "Feeling like you're doing a good job in all areas." (Which, I'm going to say, is impossible without that self-charity I mentioned in the last post.)

So I think what happens is that we spend so much time downgrading our abilities and our efforts that when we finally do accomplish something - (I unloaded the dishwasher!) it fizzles into an apology because of one little word; only. (I only unloaded the dishwasher. I only lost five pounds. Etc.) Maybe it's that by tacking "ONLY" in there, we keep our hopes alive that someday we really will be able to do all of the things that we feel like we should be able to do in the course of a day. I tend to feel like I should be able to: wake up early, do my scripture study, get the kids out of bed with a smile and into neat and modestly cool clothing. After which, we'll sit down to a nutritious and balanced breakfast, engage in cheerful conversation about the resplendent day before us and get the dishes in the dishwasher because I will have, of course, unloaded it the night before. The kids will then be to school early enough to play and have fun before their day begins while I trot off to the gym to get a fabulous workout as well as a shower before picking up Dallin (who is done at 11:30.) while looking fabulous, of course.

Ok, I could go on and on but I'll spare you. You get the point. However, I think just typing out my version of an "ideal" morning helps me to see the holes in that idea. Most of those events do in fact happen, and most of the time even. It's just that they don't always happen in their "ideal" form. Yes I wake up before the kids, no I don't usually read my scriptures in the morning. It'd be great if I could but that's not really the time that works best for me. (I'm still searching for that ideal time, ps. It seems to change every day.) Yes the kids are dressed and ready for breakfast but no, they don't particularly love being woken up before the sun and the clothes? We'll just say that opinions on such things are rapidly developing around here. Breakfast generally consists of cold cereal and fruit. I feel pretty good about breakfast, honestly. I shoot for the lowest glycemic valued cereals I can get my kids to eat so that they're not starving fifteen minutes after they get done. I usually have to eat my breakfast in the car because in the shoe hunting/lunch making/potty break taking (not me. them.) that happens in the morning, the car truly is the first chance I get to sit down after my feet hit the floor in the morning. I understand that a lot of that could be alleviated if I would simply do more in the evening but by the time I get there, I tend to feel like I've done enough and that I'm off the clock. The down side to that is that on days like today, my house is pretty messy. If the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning is clutter, I instantly feel like a slack job - which I'm not. There simply is not enough time in the day for all the things I need to do and frankly, if it doesn't bleed, throw-up, scream or cry and isn't on fire - it's not my highest priority. If I let that ugly little four-letter word ONLY enter into my thoughts, it'd be pretty easy to feel like I'd somehow failed today because often my sense of well-being runs parallel with how clean my house is.

And so tonight, nestled among the piles of stuff for making Halloween costumes, groceries that haven't quite made it all the way into the pantry and dinner dishes in the sink - I'm going to focus on what is. I can do it all, just not all at the same time. The floors will get vacuumed, the laundry will get folded; just not tonight. Right now, I'm trying to be pretty focused on my weight loss goal. It's a priority for me because I would like to improve in that area. Later, there will be other things for me to put laser-beam focus on and that's okay provided that I don't revert to old habits of stress eating and not exercising. Weight loss is a lot like trying to go up the down escalator. It takes work just to maintain your position. If you want to go all the way to the top, you've REALLY got to work at it and if you stop altogether, you go straight to the bottom and back where you started.

This is why, as the Halloween treats have started trickling in, my mantra for today has been "I want to feel like I have discipline more than I want to finish those M&M's/Ritz Bitz/etc. that got left on the table." or "I want my cute jeans to fit more than I want to eat a quesadilla for dinner." So far so good. I'm wondering how the rest of the weekend is going to go. I've got multiple Halloween parties to attend, treats to make, and a baby shower at Chili's. My game plan at this point is to eat before I go to anything, make sure I've got options, and chew gum. Outside of that, I'll just have to do my best to hang on to perspective when I'm confronted with a Molten White Chocolate Cake. (Just typing that makes my mouth water. Not kidding.) I guess this is the silver lining in having ONLY lost five pounds so far - I feel like I'm just starting to get some momentum going and backsliding could undo that. I guess sometimes it really is all about the bigger picture.

Keep on keepin' on!

Sorry about the lack of updates this week. I've been working out pretty hard and thinking quite a lot - so by the end of the day I have lots to say but no real energy to sit down and type it out. We took the guys to the Natural History museum today and explored the dinosaur exhibits. It was such a nice break to just be together and enjoy the nice weather - AND - to have the desire to sit down and share some of my thoughts.

I've read through my last couple of posts and I feel like I need to at least acknowledge my lack of editing. Other people may not notice/care but I did major in English after all. Using the same word multiple times in a sentence is pretty obnoxious. Nevertheless, I do like how they really are my thoughts just pounded out and tossed out there. I'm trying not to be too self-conscious in my writing because if I do that, it becomes so stale. Honestly, it's hard for me to write about a lot of this stuff. I think a person who struggles with their weight is often seen/treated/stigmatized as being dumb/lazy/etc. and it's difficult to put myself out there like that. It's taken a lot for me to feel even a little proud of what I've accomplished weight-loss wise. Mostly I've just felt embarrassed that I ever got to that point in the first place - which is why up until recently it kind of felt like my dirty little secret. It's been liberating to own it and to take a moment to feel pleased with how far I've come. That probably sounds silly and logically, it is. However, all too often we forget about the importance of the process in the things that we are trying to do. Goals are often finite - a checklist where we can finish one and move on to the rest. I've been thinking a lot about the organic processes in life where we have to work day after day, not seeing much change but operating on the hope and faith that eventually so much work will amount to something.

I've thought a lot about charity. Charity, as defined by the scriptures is the "Pure love of Christ." My question is, how often do we try to develop charity for ourselves? So what is this pure love of Christ? For me, Faith + Hope = Charity. Faith in someone - faith that they can do Good and make right choices. Hope for them that they can build from where they are and continue on a path and become more than what they are today. Faith in and Hope for - because that's exactly what Christ has done by providing the Atonement and continues to do for each of us as we are supported in life. So shouldn't we then extend that same charity that we try to have for others to ourselves in all the things that we're struggling to accomplish? Faith in and hope for. Charity.

Another thing I've thought about is how weight loss is the physical expression of the repentance process. Everyone struggles with some form of temptation - something that appeals to the Natural Man in us. In a conversation with a friend earlier this week, she talked about how food is an addiction for her but that she's unsure of how to cope with an addiction to something that is necessary to survival. After all, you can't just go cold turkey on food. (So to speak.) This got me thinking about addiction vs. agency and how food plays into that equation. We don't want to have to live a Mosaic Law when it comes to food. Seriously. No one wants that. However, the real problem is that we get in to trouble any time we let the body control the spirit instead of the spirit controlling the body. Obviously, the body has needs. Rest, food, water, etc., etc. Yet, along with that body comes impulse and the desire for instant gratification. Impulse has no patience for process. As we learn to control our bodies, we are able to use them as tools rather than being placed at the mercy of our whims. We are able to act instead of being acted upon. Again, this is a process and sometimes we make mistakes or slip up. Christ knew that this would happen - he knew that we would struggle and by his Atonement made it okay for us to go through the difficult and painful process of betterment.

(Sorry if I'm getting long-winded here. Like I said, lots on my mind.)

Anyway, so back to my current situation. Often we slip up. We do things that are counterproductive to our goals and ideals. Hopefully, we recognize our self-defeating behaviors before we get too far down that path. We experience the desire to change and we turn to Christ with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. We repent.

So, short story super long - part of our reason for being here is to learn to control our bodies and appetites - whatever those appetites may be. Personally, I have a wicked sweet tooth. This is something that I will struggle with for my whole life. I just will. However, as I approach my body and diet (not just the "I wanna lose weight diet." I'm thinking whole life.) from a spiritual perspective, moderation seems a lot more attainable and frankly, desirable. I'm able to keep my cravings in check because I see them for what they are - distractions from my goal. Distractions that have consequences, and not just ones that I have to deal with in the gym. If I lose focus, then along with the extra calories I get to deal with all the guilt and self-loathing that goes along with it. Nope. I'd rather keep moving along the path I'm already on.

I know this all probably sounds way-idealistic and maybe even a little militant. Don't get me wrong - there's room for comfort foods and treats and I have NO intention of living on bunny food for the rest of my days, all the while patting myself on the back for going without. I guess what I'm advocating is conscientious consumption where I know what I'm putting in my mouth, why it's there and the role that it plays in the bigger picture. Is this something that I really want or is this something connected to an emotion that I'm not dealing with? Is this really worth the calories or is there a suitable substitution that will ultimately be better for me? I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, serious props if you're still reading this. Like I said, lots on my mind... Until next time :)

Day three. Reality.

Today, I've been hungry. I'm not sure exactly why - other than the frosting recipes that I feel like I've been reading all day long - but I've sort of been obsessing about food. Maybe it's because my body is protesting our breakup with eating whatever/whenever by crying out, "No! We had a good thing going! Besides, it wasn't that bad... and there's nutella over there. Lots of it."

I like to think that this will all improve after this weekend when the 400 frosted/decorated cupcakes are delivered and I don't have to have Godiva chocolate, nutella, creme brulee bites and five kinds of cake in my freezer. (Ironically enough, this week's episode of The Biggest Loser had a cupcake thing this week. Tender mercies, my friends.) The reality, however, is that this is going to be a lifelong thing for me. I will never be the girl that can eat whatever she wants, much as I'd like to be. I'm just not genetically programmed for slimness. However, that's no excuse for being unhealthy - which is ultimately my goal. I just want to be healthy and to be able to do the things that I'd like to do without having my body hold me back. (ie: feeling self-conscious about getting into a swimsuit, etc.)

I am happy to report that I did good today. We had to eat out for dinner but we went to Jason's Deli and I loaded up on veggies at the salad bar. The other good news is that I'm down 1.5 pounds since Monday. :) I'll be in College Station this weekend so Friday will essentially be one of those "just do the best you can" kinds of days - and so I will. See you on the flip side.

Day two: Discipline.

I'm not going to lie - I've had an exhausting day. The boys have been whiny with outright bouts of surliness. This combined with a general lack of sleep has left me feeling like I'm wearing too tight shoes and a 75 pound backpack at all times. I'm ready to head off to bed - stat. However, I wanted to jot a few thoughts down.

I read/heard a quote at one point that has really stuck with me. "Discipline is the ability to follow through with a decision once the emotion of making that decision has passed." I don't know who said it but I've thought about it a lot today. There have been many moments when I felt like throwing the proverbial towel because it would've been easier to just get drive through for dinner or because the multiple jars of nutella on the kitchen counter keep making eyes at me. (I'm in charge of the still-needing-to-be-iced cupcakes for my sister's wedding open house this weekend. I've made well over 400 and the chocolate ones are going to be nutella filled. Mmmmm.) But, I've stayed the course and have not given in. I'm really pretty proud of myself.

I decided that discipline really is about perspective. It's about remembering the big picture and what you really want when small things that seem so important/enticing in the moment threaten your goals. This especially hard as an emotional eater - and I do mean that about all emotions. Feeling happy? Time to celebrate. Feeling sad? I want to drown my sorrows. Feeling accomplished? I totally deserve this. Feeling stressed? This will make everything easier. Feeling put upon? I just want this because I want to control something. On and on it goes. I've tried to shift my paradigm from "I can't have that" (which makes me want a certain whatever that much more) to "I don't want that." As in, it's not going to help me get where I want to go. It also helps me to pull my head out of the moment when ________ sounds so good and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow and that's not the last ________ in the world. I can have ________, in moderation, later.

So far so good. Granted, it's day two but as I address each day individually and give it my very best - just for today, all those todays are going to eventually add up to a whole lot of good yesterdays. My best today may not match up with my very best tomorrow, but as long as it's my best, I can go to bed feeling like I did well. This attitude is what really facilitated my best success when I was on the long-haul weight loss. I'd set some long term goal of, "I'm going to be such-and-such pounds by such-and-such date!" and then attack it ferociously. As long as I was losing, I felt great, accomplished and powerful. However, when I'd hit a plateau or have something else come up that was entirely outside my control, I felt frustrated, weak and quickly discouraged. I learned that those far off goals were totally outside my control. There were too many unknowns between now and then. But I could control today (more or less.) At any rate, I feel good today. Tired but good.

Tomorrow, we do it all again. I'm planning to go work out nice and hard before confronting the task of making three huge batches of frosting. I'll let you know how it goes.

Day one.

So the thing about creating new habits is that you first have to break old ones. This is particularly true when it comes to things as (ideally) effortless as eating. How many times today have I gone for a bite/lick/taste/etc. of whatever I was getting ready for the kids, only to pause 3/4 of the way to my mouth and go, "Oh. Dang," and then put it back down. It's just funny. I guess I'm kind of an "all-or-nothing" kind of girl and something that isn't on my pre-planned menu of everything I'm going to eat that day can derail me completely. (*Please see the previous post regarding maintenance.) I plan my menus ahead, rather than keeping a food diary where you simply write down everything that you eat, so that I don't have to try to make a good decision when I'm hungry. If I have to do that, 99% of the time, I'll reach for whatever is quickest or easiest, which is never EVER what is healthiest. Besides, how often does bell pepper sticks sound better than a handful of chocolate chips? Never. That's how often.

So, I'm all about the preemptive strike. Plan complete menus at a time when I'm not hungry so that I just have to follow the course that's lined out for me, pre-cut veggies/fruit the night before so that all I have to do is dump a ziplock baggie into a bowl or grab my snack. If I can't make certain foods sound more appealing, the least I can do is simplify their delivery. Other helpful ideas have been things like drinking a big glass of ice water before/after each meal, brushing my teeth just before or chewing gum while I make dinner for the boys so that I don't feel the need to sample everything.

(*Sidenote: Major coup at our house tonight - both boys ate grilled chicken breasts for dinner tonight! You have no idea what a big deal this is. "Tiger Chicken" we called it - because anything associated with tigers = awesome as far as my boys are concerned. What really made it work was that I brined it. All you do is put 1/2 c. salt and 1/2 c. sugar in a large ziplock bag with 32 oz of water. Put four boneless/skinless chicken breasts in the bag, squeeze as much air out as you can, and refrigerate for 15-30 minutes, depending on how big the pieces are. The grill needs to preheat on high for 15 minutes, so this is a good time to go get that fired up. When the chicken is done, pull them out and dry them off. Rub/brush on veggie oil (I used grapeseed) and season with salt and pepper (I used Cavender's seasoning.) If you have a thermometer that you can use with your grill, cook meat on low to 140, turning once somewhere in there. Then, crank it back up to high and let the chicken come to 160 and nicely browned. Seriously - best grilled chicken ever. And really, the amount of salt that it adds is really marginal - less than 1/8 tsp per serving. My kids LOVED it. :) :) :)

I'm happy with today, which is nice. It's a little like summer just ended and now I'm back to school. I know what to expect and I'm pretty comfortable in the whole diet routine even though it's not my first choice of character-building activities. Dallin's been super sick these last couple of days and so we weren't able to go to the YMCA to work out, but I did dust off an old Tae Bo dvd and have Logan do it along with me. It was pretty entertaining until they decided that it was way too long and then spent the next 45 minutes on the couch moaning and complaining. But - I finished it. I then did a pilates dvd, just for the sake of throughly making the point that it is in fact, my tv too.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get to the gym tomorrow and really get a good workout in. I think for me, that's really the key to staying on track in the kitchen. In an average spin class, I can burn 500 calories. That Chik-Fil-A milkshake that sounds so good after my workout - yeah, 770 calories. No way, man. I didn't just come out of there feeling like I got beat in the head with a golfclub to not even break even. Especially with this guy yelling at me.

How Kellie Got Her Groove Back.

So, things have been a little crazy - and when I say "a little crazy" I mean a lot crazy. Nothing too earth shattering; mostly I've just had a million projects that needed to happen. However, I'm moving from that "have to" back into "get to" with a lot of things, and one of those things is going to the gym.

I've been a "worker outer" for a long time now, but I've gotten pretty complacent lately. It's no secret that at one point I was MUCH. MUCH heavier than I am now. (Two consecutive pregnancies combined with genetics designed to withstand long winters and childbirth plus a whole lot of stress will do that to a girl.) Plus, I'm a super emotional eater. (Is anyone not an emotional eater? Seriously.) At any rate, I digress. I have been heavy and I really, REALLY, REALLY don't want to go back there. If I have learned one thing from the last five years, it's that it is easier to lose twenty pounds than forty. (Or eighty. Or one hundred. Or one hundred and twenty.) Much easier, in fact. So, here I am - with twenty pounds to lose.

The funny thing is that I've had a really hard time getting my head back in the game. I don't know if it's because I don't have some goal hanging off in the future (reunion/birthday/etc.) or if I feel like I've been doing this forever and am just burnt out. Either way, it's been difficult to really get motivated. One of the things that I have realized is that I need to create a sense of accountability for myself - hence the blog. In other words, welcome to my weight loss journal! The other thing is that I realize that my experience has been pretty unique. Most people don't lose 120 pounds on their own. It's been a process for sure - personal trainers/LA Weightloss/Biggest Loser Diet, but I haven't had surgery, gone somewhere where I was forced into doing anything, etc. It's just been me. Working out. Every day. Which is kind of a problem.

See, I've never really figured out maintenance. Either I'm working out religiously, eating right and losing weight or I'm binging on Cheez-its and Dr. Pepper. It's something I really would like to work on - but first things first. One needs to be at a maintenance weight in order to maintain. I've also set a goal for myself that when I reach my goal, I'm going to start the process of getting certified to teach fitness classes. I'm not sure which one at this point but it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. So, there you go. I said it out loud(ish). Putting it on my blog counts as out loud, right?

Tomorrow we start again with the proper diet (Biggest Loser Club once again - it's so much more livable than anything else I've done!), and working out. There are a lot of different aspects of this process that I'm looking forward to exploring through writing, which is what I think I've lacked in blogging: focus. So, here we go. Thanks for sticking with me. Journeys are always more fun when you're not alone. :)

Hope Springs Eternal

I just got this:

http://www.amazon.com/Americas-Kitchen-Healthy-Family-Cookbook/dp/1933615567/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

It looks great and I have high hopes! That is all.

School, etc.

Hey, Friends! I'm sorry for the long silence - in all honesty I just haven't felt like I had much of anything to say or report and I've been waiting to feel 'inspired,' I guess. I admire the cavalier way in which people throw what's happening along with a few pictures on their blogs as people comment and leave feedback on the awesomeness. The thing is, my life is pretty quietly awesome. There's not really anything big going on; not a whole lot that's "BREAKING NEWS!" and not a whole lot that I think of as particularly interesting to the masses. Long story short, I need to get over myself and my insecurities of not being cool enough for the blogosphere because those detail-y, quietly awesome things are the very ones I enjoy reading about on everyone else's blogs.

So I'm shifting my paradigm.

Welcome to my new journal. Maybe it's an English Major's occupational hazard but thinking about how to keep my readers interested in my subject material is pretty paralyzing. My life is too much like the movie "Groundhog Day." However, sometimes I'll see or hear things that I want to explore further, talk about or share. Sometimes I just want to be able to remember what I was doing that day. I guess in making my blog something for me and not being afraid of sounding too mundane, I'll be better able to share. Does that make sense?

Anyway, Hi. Welcome to me trying a new approach to things. After all, you only fail if you quit trying, right? So here we are. Again. :)

Logan started school this week! It's been an interesting thing leading up to it. I haven't felt surprised/shocked/miserable about it. It has felt like a very natural thing and he's been so excited. I try not to think too much about not being the epicenter of his universe anymore - because if I'm honest with myself, I wouldn't want to be. I shoot for Guide on the Side. The night we went to Meet the Teacher, we walked in the door of the school and were immediately greeted by an assistant who took him down to where his classroom was while all the parents were directed to the cafeteria for an informational meeting. They wanted the kids' first interactions with the classroom to be independent from their parents so that it felt normal and less anxiety-inducing when they were there alone the next time. It's brilliant psychology, really, but as I watched my precious, precious boy trot happily down the hall with some stranger without glancing back, I thought a lot about all of the hallways waiting for us in the future: schools, airports, MTC, marriage, eesh.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

That pretty much sums it up. I was 99% glad that he didn't look back. He accepted fully that because we had handed him off, that he was safe. He trusted that he was in a good place where good things were about to happen with good people. (Fortunately, he hasn't changed his mind in the two days since school started!) That one little percent of me wanted to be needed, wanted him to want me there to help him feel safe. Suddenly, I understood that parental paradox of raising independent people. I've tried to keep a good game face going; tried to match his enthusiasm for going to school.

This, however, is a hard face to compete with. The thing that I love best about all that this picture conveys is GrrGrr - Logan's best buddy. The Hobbes to his Calvin, if you will. Logan will get older and bigger and cooler - far too cool to have his stuffed tiger ride on his lap to school because he doesn't want him to worry about where he'll be all day. But he'll always need that love and acceptance that GrrGrr represents - and that's where we come in - the GrrGrrs to his El Guapos.

Alright, I'm off to make dinner. That's another post for another day. My kids are epically picky eaters - in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. Right now, it's my El Guapo.

Resurfacing...

Hey! We're still alive!

Ah, my people (at least those of you who still check up on me now and again :).) I'm back, though. I'll post something in the next day or so. Logan starting kindergarten has got me feeling pretty reflective. I've also been considering the purpose that this blog fills for me and I've realized that I need a paradigm shift. And so, dear friends, we evolve. :) I don't think it's anything groundbreaking - I just need to develop a more healthy relationship with my blog. Anyway, stay tuned!

The long and short of it

Aaaand breathe.

Life has finally settled down to a point where once again, I can blog. I don't think it's so much been that I have had so many many other things to do but rather that there has been so much going on that even beginning to get into it felt overwhelming on top of already having to get everything done. So yeah, maybe that's the same thing. At any rate, a 'Blue Norther' as we like to call big fat cold fronts around these parts has got us house-bound for the next day or so. That means the boys play a lot of video games and I get to do things like blog. Yay!

The sweetened condensed version of what we've been up to:

• September -October 2009 - plan and carry out the biggest event I've ever been responsible for with the open house for our new church building. I am thankful for people who pull through and also for a baptism by fire in getting our feet wet in our ward. This is where I went off the radar in blogging. I was so. stressed.
• October 12, 2009 - we put an offer in on a house. This was also the day after the Open House wrapped so it was sort of 'out of the frying pan and into the fire,' so to speak. We didn't think we'd be getting into a house so soon and the whole thing was a big, scary suprise. It was probably a good thing at that point that we didn't fully understand what we were getting into but I'm glad we did.
• November 19, 2009 - after much haggling, we closed on the house. OUR HOUSE! We have a HOUSE!!! Like, to LIVE IN! FOR A LONG TIME! Crazy. Oh yeah - we have three months left on our lease. Hmm.
• December 2009 - give thanks for having spent six months of the previous year painting a house so that my head didn't explode when I realized that I was going to get to do it all over again, but MOOOOORE. See? It's a good thing. I can edge a wall and pick a paint color without having a major indecision crisis. Plus I get to do the colors I wanted to do in the first place instead of trying to keep everything neutral (aka beige) to please the landlord. It's good, right? *twitch twitch* Right? I will say, however, painting your own house is a lot more gratifying than painting a rental. And I'm going to leave it at that.
• Christmas 2009 - Tom's off work for a week so I spend 12 hours/day working at the house and find that sanding ceilings is possibly even less fun than it sounds. However, being covered in drywall gives new meaning to a "White Christmas." I sand and paint and prime and paint and tape and paint until I have holes in my hands. (Literally.) Thankfully, my family gives me a wonderful gift and my mom, sister, and dad spend a whole day the week before Christmas working on the house with me. Misery does, in fact, love company :). (Don't worry - I took Before pictures and I'll post the whole thing once it's After, although I will say that the pictures don't do justice to the filthy, greasy, matte paint, lesser-known-cousin-of-the-black-hole, "Brown Hole" that it was. No offense to anyone who adores chocolate brown flat paint but I don't love light sucking chalk on the walls. Give me subtle shine, please. It's the magpie in me.)
• Move from painting the halls to decking the halls for Christmas!
• Get back at it.
• And then I turned thirty. It really was a fun birthday spent with the most enthusiastic birthday revellers possible (my nieces/nephew/kids) and got to pass on the 'family torch' - a love of fireworks. Thirty is a pretty reflective milestone, I think. You can't help but ponder where you were and what you were doing ten years prior. I was turning twenty - officially an adult, no longer a teen. Life ahead of me held so much possibility and so much unsurity. Who would I date? Marry? Would I go on a mission? (I was fighting this thought at this point. Getting hitched sounded like way more fun.) If I could send a fax back from Future Kellie, I'd tell myself to trust the Lord, trust my gut and be good. It'll all work out. Things may get pretty rough, but in the end, it'll all work out. If it hasn't worked out, it's not over yet.

So where to now? The house isn't quite done, but it's getting there. I can practically see Future Kellie ten years from now, smiling that 'Bless your heart' smile and patting my head for feeling like so much of this has been such a big deal, but it's that whole 'By small and simple things are great things brought to pass,' kind of thing. We are a sum of our experiences but whether they act as a positive or a negative in our lives depends on the attitude we choose to adopt. I have to remember that. My New Year's Resolution this year is to be good to myself. I've been so goal driven in the past (and I'm sure will continue to be) that often times, some things suffer that shouldn't have to. 1500 calorie workouts are great and all but if it leaves you too exhausted to do much for the rest of the day... well, slow and steady wins the race. I also need to be kinder to myself. I am so aware of my shortcomings and faults and tend to beat up on myself for that. I resolve to be good to myself this year - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The movie UP has had a big impact in this developing self-philosophy, I guess. It's a really beautiful movie with a message that hits very close to my heart. Even since I came home from my mission, Denmark has evolved into something almost mythical. It's my Paradise Falls. I still dream in Danish sometimes. However, I've moved from strictly the "Adventure is out there!" camp to more of a "Bloom where you're planted/Adventure is where you find it" type of dream. I don't want to miss out on what's right in front of me in favor of some far off thing that I can't control. So then I guess it's pretty cool that this is the year when we set down roots.

Rock on.

Dear Blog,

It's not you, it's me. Seriously. I want this - I really do but right now you're just not... on fire. Hang in there with me, though. In the end, we could have something really cool together.

Love, me.